Trying to reset... (or: What the actual fuck am I even doing?)
Below is a straight transcription of a journal entry I wrote last night. This is part of a larger attempt to reset my brain into being able to do more of the insightful, creative thinking I feel like I've lost recently. It's raw in the sense that it was brain to hand to paper. I rarely post something so unpolished even if it starts as something like this in Obsidian.
I also tried to get AI to transcribe the text and.. uh... it didn't work on my awful penmanship. I've included that as well as the photos of my writing below for posterity. The AI transcription is kinda funny.
I do not think succinctly or coherently by hand right now. Any more. Did I ever?
It was jarring re-transcribing it this morning....
Begin transcribed text
Something about disciplined writing. Something about overcoming attention span issues an me wanting my brain to work like it used ti. Effective thought & writing.
Today? I failed like three times to read something I was actually interested in.
It just happened again. I didn't like the ads on the NPR app so I went to switch to something else, remembered I canceled my Apple Music subscription, downloaded Spotify, didn't like something about that or creating a new account, re-upped my Apple Music sub and switched to music. So like 5 minutes later I'm writing again.
That is what I mean - forming any consistent thoughts, anything requiring focus just crashes out.
What am I trying to do? Recapture my youth when i used to get up at 5am to meditate & practice my handwriting.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That isn't meaningful any more (it also didn't help...?)
what is the actual issue? What are we trying to achieve?
Word-finding
I keep forgetting the words for plants I"ve been dealing with for years now. I couldn't remember "nettle" while I was staring right at it. It is both annoying but also scary? Why is it happening. Thhese works are stuck? I say them weekly over the growing season.
I should be able to remember. I want to be able to remember...
my hand is cramping
I read something from Joan Westenberg1 on how she reset her brain to better be able to form longterm thinking, to be able to hold onto ideas, complex ideas, so that she could put ideas together to actually think.
Her answer is that social media & gen AI tools are affecting her - our - ability to hold complex thoughts in our minds long enough to both understands them but also remember & recall them to use again.
I'm there. I can;t read anything longer than like a page. I use AI to get started on ideas & no longer do the up front work myself to create the idea...
I can't even hold these sentences in my head longh enough to spit something out. I'm circling the same thoughts ant getting anywhere.
Her post laid out a plan to retrain our brains to get back to being able to make interesting thoughts again.
Not in her order (or her words)
- No social media after 30 minutes
- YouTube too
- No screens for the first and last hours of the day
- 60 minutes reading everyday. Long form only
- 1,000 hand written words a day
No. 6 is what I'm doing. I actually inked2 up a pen and busted out a fancy nottebook - a limited edition3 from Baron Fig - and am actually writing in it.
Todaym Day 1, I'm (trying) not to worry (ha) about content but just work to get throygh 3-4 pages of hand-writting text on something to get past the hump.
The truth is, I've been rginking about this for a while - fewer "bad" things but also trying to use paper a bit for a whileas a way ti reset. When I'm flustered or pver-whelmed, forcing myself to slow down tends to help.
Maybe I'm trying to show myself it isn't hopeless - that I can still be as focused as I was in my 20s & 30s, compared to now where it feels much more effort-full to do essentially anything today that can't last
I can't let it lapse. I don't want to be an empty ???? existence.
Brawndo! It's what plants crave!
-ABM
Handwriting
Day 1 of brain reset
This is (a hilarious) AI extraction of my handwriting.
What the shit (What am I doing?) â Day 1
Seeking that disciplined clarity. Sometimes about overcoming upstream SFD* noise, and sometimes itâs about the real work of figuring things out of territory.
Today I feel like thereâs a vein I can reach something in, but early introspection isâ
It just happened again. I did the like the ad on the NPR app so I could listen to something quiet while getting yogurt + oatmeal. So I didnât end up writing. And that small self-delay cost me writing momentum. Make them listen.
Itâs later. I mean forming my own consistent thoughts, angles, recurring text tools, just cataloging out.
What am I trying to do? Recapture my words. When I used to get up at 5am to meditate + practice wordliness.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa WWWWWWWWWW
That still meaningful anymore? (Like who didnât already write?)
Whatâs the actual vibe? What are we trying to solve?
Word-Finding
I keep forgetting to track the phrase. Iâve been oddly eager to grab minor technicals from other folks lately.
Like Iâm saying âright nowâ in the tight journalistic habit info snarl.
Itâs my way of signaling a shift.
But I also say âthe workâ over âthe grindâ more.
I should be able to ramble. I want to be able to ramble.
âMy hand is crampyâ
Typed exchange from Joanna Bourneâs era â when the hero had to translate letters she stole from long-dead lovers,
she had to not just identify content, but whether she could put voice + emotion into translation.
Historical.
The question is: is it personal (modern yoga set affirming her own skin to bold choices)
or about belonging to that which came before?
But also I want to be really wise again.
Felt there. Fiction and anything larger than life is hope.
Close. If I got started I would write the logic of the reform and would be close to idealism.
Other gain: I canât even hold whole sentences in my head long enough to spit something out.
Iâm circling the same thoughts and not getting anywhere.
The part hardest out of plan is return airspace â
so I get back or loop able to make interesting thoughts again.
Not in this order:
- No sweet medium after 30 minutes
- No headphones
- No screens for the 1st + last hour of the day
- 60 minutes of reading every day. Longform only.
- Good help! Written words daily.
This is what I do days
I recently inked a pen and typed out a name. Worked on a limited release fan zine fig. and am actually trying to write.
Today: Day 1. Iâm (trying) not to worry (yet) about content but just how to get through 3â4 pages of handwritten text
- on something to get past the hump.
The truth is: Iâve been thinking about this for a while.
Like offering up âbad thingsâ but also trying to write.
Like offer just for valueâs sake.
Also trying to write when Iâm flustered or otherwise avoidant.
Maybe I slow down tends to help.
Maybe Iâm trying to stay insightful just hopeful â
that I could still be as bold, focused as I was in my 20s + 30s.
Compared to now where it feels much more effortful to do.
Clearly right today thatâs evident.
I canât let it lapse.
I donât work yet on empty shell of prior exercise.
Brawndo!
Itâs what plants crave!
-ABM
Footnotes
I spent 90 days rebuilding my brain. Here's what I learned.↩
A Rotring 600 which was my grail fountain pen for a long time before I found one for less than $100↩